I’m Paralyzed

Today I was struck by my own inadequacy and my backsliding. It’s like I’m slowly drawing away from my family and friends and becoming more and more absorbed by myself. Yesterday my family sat around the kitchen table and discussed plans for gardening. I sat apart and worked on my computer. When my siblings call me to go outside and play, I try to make an excuse not to go.

It’s like I’m slowly being absorbed by myself, and I can’t escape.

Nate Feurstein wrote a gripping song about this feeling:

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
I’m paralyzed.

Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things I know I should.
I’m paralyzed.

Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me inside.
I’m paralyzed.

Nate ended the song with those words: I’m paralyzed.”

They’re such sad words. He’s paralyzed, and all he can do is sit back and watch it, hands in my pockets.”

And yet unlike Nate, I’m not hopeless. I still have hope in my Lord, the risen Christ. The Bible says that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.”

God will not let me sink into paralysis. I may have taken a step back, but Jesus is still my goal.

When I feel the lure of the computer or my own selfishness pulling me into myself, I can recognize them and resist their urge with my Lord’s help.

God, lead me on the upward way.
Let me follow You every day.
You are my hope, and you’ll never let me drop.
Give me strength to keep fighting.

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About Me

I'm a high school student, a teen, who seeks to follow God with everything he has. I've got so many questions and so often I feel like I'm hitting a wall in my beliefs, my actions, and my creativity. And that's OK.

Being surrendered is more of a process than a destination. I'm not perfect by any means, and I struggle a lot. But the daily act of "presenting my body as a living sacrifice," fully surrendered to the will of my King, is what will get me through.